Are you and your partner having troubles in your relationship? Are you finding it hard to see eye to eye? Does it feel as if you’re both speaking a different language?
It often starts very small, and we try to overlook the minor squabbles, telling ourselves we can move on. But when we ignore trivial misunderstandings and little problems, they can fester inside and grow into anger or burning resentments that often explode out during full-blown arguments, and that’s not pleasant for either of you.
Here’s a simple exercise that will give you the chance to speak and be heard, help you to listen to one another, and ultimately to communicate more effectively. Basically, it’s a way to start to learn the ‘foreign language’ of your partner.
Couples Communication Exercise
Agree a time and place where you can both take 20 minutes and prioritise this important time together. Put aside all distractions. Turn off your phones, make sure any children or pets are safe and unlikely to interrupt. As far as possible, choose a time when neither of you is likely to be stressed (this is definitely not an exercise to attempt while in the throes of an argument!)
1. Decide who will go first. Set a timer for five minutes.
Partner 1 takes this five minutes to speak about whatever’s on their mind.
Partner 2 listens without interrupting until the timer goes off.
2. Set the timer for another five minutes.
Partner 2 then reflects back what Partner 1 has spoken about.
They do this without giving their side of the story, or arguing etc; they simply relay what the other person has said, from a neutral detached, curious perspective, so it’s clear that they’ve heard and understood.
It can be surprisingly challenging to remain neutral and detached, particularly if you feel you’re being attacked and you want to defend yourself – but this is a big important part of the exercise: you’re learning to communicated differently from how you have before.
A good tip is to imagine that your partner was talking about somebody else. This can help you to stay detached and focused on the exercise, without getting caught up in the emotion of it all.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2, but with Partner 2 now getting their turn to speak about whatever they want to speak about. It may be the same subject as Partner 1 talked about, or a completely different topic.
4. Afterwards, reflect: was it easier for one partner to speak? Was there temptation to speak for longer than the allocated time? Was there resistance in either person? Did you feel heard? Understood? Resentful? Upset? How are you both feeling now?
Agree on a regular time/day to do this exercise and put it in your calendar. Treat it as important quality time during which you can learn and grow together.
Each time you do the exercise, take turns in going first, to keep it fair.
When you get into the habit of communicating in this way, you can both practice listening to each other without interrupting and diving in to try and get your point across without letting the other person speak.
Using the timer keeps everything fair and boundaried.
It gives both parties the opportunity to speak, and balances out relationships where one person tends to stay silent and hold their feelings in due to fear of confrontation, or simply because they’re not used to it.
Need more personal support?
Private Counselling for relationship issues
If you’re having problems in your relationship and you’d like to speak confidentially about it on a one-to-one basis, get in touch to book some private counselling sessions with me.
Sessions are held remotely over video call (eg Zoom), or telephone, so you can work with me no matter where you’re located. Click on the link below to find out more.
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